“I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply ALL my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy.” – OG MANDINO

“A person’s life story is equal to what they have plus what they want most in the world, minus what they’re actually willing to sacrifice for it.” – CRAIG CLEVENGER

Sometimes, I doubt my place in the world, a lot of us do.  We can see where we want to be, how clear this is and how hard you work for it is what varies.  And it’s not just working against the external pressures, but the internal too.  It sort of depends on the individuals locus of control.  I’m ashamed to say mine is external, with means I probably need to have some approval.  Where I can be deficient is working for my own approval because I may never get it, but I may never get an approval from the outside world either.

Although I haven’t written a blog in a long time, they have always been good for sorting out my thoughts and figuring out my next move because words once written down become something.  And if I have an external locus of control, throwing my thoughts out there to the world may be the best I can do to motivate myself.

Doubting myself, or more likely writing about doubting myself gets boring.  As Landsend mentioned, there have been voice chats and there are a variety of reasonable reasons why I’m not the best at them.  Anything is justifiable especially to someone like me; the trick has to be not  justifying what I see to be weaknesses.  As I sat listening, trying to find a way to speak I wondered if it was a weakness or that I want to just listen because I want be able to write any type of character as a writer.  Sometimes,  being an observer feels like it detracts from me as a person and there is a negative side, where people may not think I’m interested or I am just waiting for them to entertain me or I have nothing to add, which makes me feel dismissible.  But the simple fact is I like to feel sure of what I’m saying and I’m perpetually unsure.  And again, I might be justifying.  So I’m wondering what IS my place in SL?

I can’t totally dismiss the social aspect, even if I don’t always feel comfortable, because I enjoy it even when I’m unsure what I contribute.  The fact is: through social connections I have learned and still learn a lot about building and other things and I know there is always someone I could ask about anything.  For example, I started working on a custom avatar, following the confession that my most ‘customised’ avatar was just parts flung together and custom AO.  It’s not that it made me feel bad, it’s just that after my last blog post, I felt I need to at least try harder to understand building in SL especially with the standards I hold myself to.  I am not quite self taught my methods are my own by way of  Accacia Brissot (Infernal) and Prad Prathivi (Amodica), who have given me a lot of help in the past and know they still would if ask, and Ryker Beck (Genesis) who put up with my constant pestering until she threatened to kill me dead…  Okay she didn’t say that.

I still don’t have a plan and suppose after all I don’t yet have a purpose in SL.  But this blog does:  It helps me see what I need to do with this aspect of my life.